You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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