This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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