I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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