Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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