Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
