someone threw a dead crab at me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
