Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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