What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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