My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
