I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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