I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
