were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
