Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
