Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
