He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
