i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
