dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize