Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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