I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
