she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
