I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
