yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
