3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
