this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sext me about skeletons
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
