i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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