I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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