i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
