There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
