you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Congratulations! We have a period
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
