I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
