It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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