I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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