Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
