How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
