sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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