Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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