u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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