worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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