My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
