Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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