you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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