you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
