I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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