I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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