So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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