she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
