I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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