Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
