i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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