You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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