before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
