dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
