when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
